I have experienced so many things in this life that I often wonder if I am afraid of anything. I have had the run-in with love, heartbreak, my reputation tarnished, my livelihood taken from me. Endured the pain of losing my parents when I was young and having to stare homelessness in the eyes at least once.
What scares me, well not much I would like to say, but then I will be lying to you. I am a woman, I am ambitious and I am a woman. Hello, is that not enough to be frigging afraid? I kid you not, it is tuff working in a culture where your every move is monitored not only by men but also by other women. A world where they are all waiting for you to just f… it up.
For them to say, “look at her, we thought she had her shit together and just look at her, she has gotten old, look at the grey hairs, omg why is she not dyeing it, make it black, brown, blonde, green or blue—hell make it anything but grey. Oh man, she is in her forty’s and she ain’t even have her own house yet, that she is still driving that piss of a car, it has no air condition you know.” Well, I say to all that, the air con just stop working about a month now, and it will be fixed shortly.
And now I am sitting here thinking so hard to say what I am most afraid of – a glass of red wine next to me, a plate with cheese and chips and this blasted computer. To tell the truth, I just signed up for my one year of square space and a blog account This blog thing has been on my mind for a bit, so much so that I actually started writing the thing way back on one of the free sites. I couldn’t figure out exactly what I wanted to say, and honestly even now, while my fingers are pounding away at the keyboard, I still haven’t figured it out.
Like Gary V, says, “Document! and god I don’t always like him, he is loud and over the top and maybe that is exactly what I need, a loud over the top from far mentor telling me what the hell to do and telling me all the reasons why I am a forty-something still bloody afraid to put herself out there.
Listen I am no glamour girl, I like a bit of face powder, some eyeliner and a coloured lip gloss now and then. Since the pandemic it has been more “then” than “now” and frankly, I don’t care. My hair has gotten to a nice natural glow of grey and I don’t care. The driver at work who is sixty-five reminds me every morning how grey my hair is and oh now the other day, we old people, that’s what he said to me, we old people have to look out for one another. I smiled and walked on. Boy, I wanted to tell him exactly where to put his old comment but then you respect old people right.
Now back to what scares me, my single greatest fear is a bird. I am afraid of birds, if any bird gets into my apartment, I will save myself by pushing you into the flying monster.
Ladies welcome to the first edition of my blog. May we be friends and may we be able to drink sweet red wine together. But tonite as I sit here sipping on mine, I raise my glass to all the women out there, my strong sisters who, in spite of all the challenges that life is throwing your way, you are still here moving one step at a time. I salute you and I want to say because of you I am still here.
Natasha
